February – how I wear myself

After a lot of thought, I chose this as February’s resolution. It’s ambitious, but I think it’ll set me up on the right path.

How I Wear Myself:

  • Eat, sleep and do right
  • Make the little efforts
  • Own my environment
  • Know my goals – practice makes perfect
  • Keep a record of everything

So this one’s going to need a little more explanation. First one makes a lot of sense really – I’m not expecting miracles with my medication, but I am going to start making a solid effort to eat better, sleep better and do more activity that keeps me moving. I know the recent weight and mobility issues won’t vanish overnight, and probably won’t shift at all until my immune system stops trying to kill me. But I’m still going to try.

As part of this, I have made a purchase from my wish-list – a set of fold-away peddles I can use at home to try and build up my muscle strength slowly. They’re better than I expected, and I’m going to try and use them every day while I’m doing other activities, such as reading. This will help me back on my feet, which will help me exercise more, which will help me get back to myself faster. In theory, at least.

Next, the little efforts. This is just small girly things really – painting my nails, for example. I love having nice nails, but I never spend the time fixing them. Or using skin care products more often. My face is still remarkably clear, but the medication has caused rashes all down my neck, arms and back. I’m hoping that some gentle conscious effort on my side will encourage this to clear up faster, and make some bounds towards my self esteem. I want to make those efforts, so I’m going to make the time for them.

Next, owning my environment. This is a rolling discovery from last month. I treat my possessions like they belong to me, but I’ve been doing it wrong. My belongings are mine, but so is my house. The space INSIDE my house is also mine. And choosing to have space instead of particular items is important. So is the presentation of my items, as I do plan on having people come to my new flat, and I want it to look inviting. So I’m going to try and start treating my whole environment, from bathroom to bedroom, as my huge belonging. I will be given the chance to decorated this new flat – choosing carpets and curtains, painting the walls. So it’s a good time to work towards a goal like this one. And I might not be able to take the flat until the end of the month, but that doesn’t mean I can’t plan ahead for this environmental ownership.

Knowing my goals is another one from January, linked to the little efforts resolution too. When I went through my clothes and got rid of 4 huge black bin liners full I had an image in my head. It was fuzzy and flexible, but it helped me to measure up all the things I came across to that image. Would the person I am aspiring to be, not as an unreachable goal but as a shift from something diluted to a more concrete and tangible me, have room for this particular thing in their life? If they would, then it an stay. Of not, then it can go. And tangible me isn’t like saying “I don’t want to be childish so everything youthful must go” – I have a few teddies. But only a few get to stay. I am being ruthless, but in a way that supports the final product, environmentally and internally. It all heads towards the end product – which isn’t a person who looks back and wishes she hadn’t got rid of this thing or that. I won’t get rid of anything I can’t bear to part with. But, if I’m really honest, there aren’t many things I can’t live without. And the rest I’m working through bit by bit.

The last resolution, I think, will actually be the hardest. Keep a record – and I do mean of everything. I’m not showing anyone. I’m writing very personal details in this little book of mine. But I am going to leave no cheat days. No times when I don’t count the points, or spend a lazy day and won’t admit it. I will write my sleeping pattern, my diet and my exercise. I’ll write all those little efforts and skin care products. I will record everything. And that way I have no excuses.

So February will be ambitious, but it’ll give me a focus. And it’s a focus I’m excited about. I have my little record book – not the same as my diary, this one won’t leave my flat or contain anything about appointments or tasks I need to complete. And, at the end of the month, I can look back and say to myself that’s how hard I tried. If I’ve gone nowhere it won’t matter – I’m not trying to lose weight. I know better than to wage war against steroids. But I’ll have written and recorded proof to myself that I’ve tried. That’s all the boost I need.

Roll on February!

Kirsty

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