It’s 5am and I’m still awake, not an irregular occurrence the past few weeks. I’m getting used to the irregular sleeping pattern, though I’d prefer to be getting my rest at more sociable times.
For me, creative energy isn’t a choice. It’s a flow that sometimes peaks and sometimes ebbs, just like the coming and going of the tide. Of course, every so often with the tide you have a large wave that crashes over everything, pushes the tide higher, keeps it there longer, and leave the beach clean and refreshed in its wake.
I feel like I’m peaking at the top of a wave right now. It hasn’t hit yet, but it’s building bigger all the time. I’m channeling so much change and input at the moment, I’m just waiting for the right time to use it. I don’t think it’ll be long before I reach that happy writing place again.
I stumbled across a quote I’d written down once when I was sifting through my archives earlier. It pretty much sums up how I feel when I can’t sleep every night, but I know I’m still being productive with it:
“Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters.” ~ Neil Gaiman
Admittedly, playing Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion on my Xbox 360 at 5am isn’t very productive. But I don’t just play it – I write it. I’ve been keeping a journal of every quest and action as if my character was real, and I’ve been posting it on Deviant Art. True, DA only had the first chapter and I’m now halfway through the 10th, but again that’s channeling the energy that’s there while it’s peaking. If I stop to proofread now I might not start playing again after.
I’m a huge advocate of doing the best for you, but when I feel like this it’s as if me as an entity isn’t as big as the thing coursing through me. I can’t explain it any other way – I guess you could call it a purpose higher than I can understand. I have to use the energy while it’s there or it’ll go and I’ll never get that back. I might get other energy, make something different, but it won’t be what I would have created at that exact moment, with that balance of emotions, knowledge and awareness of life.
I know this sounds very heavy for 5am, but hey – late nights make me introspective, and this is something I hold very dear to my heart. As I’m rather unwell at the moment it’s making me feel like I’m using the time well despite being poorly. And yes, even playing Oblivion is building that wave higher. Now all I need is the right kick to start the engine, and who knows what’ll come out of it.