I can’t sleep – my boyfriend is on the 2-and-a half hour drive home, and I’m waiting for his “I got back safe” phone call (which isn’t due for another hour) so I figured I may as well spend the time wisely.
It’s coming up to some pretty personal anniversaries in the next few weeks, and though I won’t go into detail the knowledge has left me feeling rather conflicted. I must admit, with happiness in my heart, that for probably the first time in my life I feel completely settled. I have my own wonderful flat, which I spent a few days rearranging and cleaning before Adam’s visit this weekend. I am planning on posting some photos on Facebook, and here, when I have it as I want it, but i’m getting a new tv stand first. And maybe a new tv to go with it – borrowing a friend’s has really highlighted to me the need for a bigger one, since as of tomorrow he needs his back.
But apart from that the flat is great, my family are all doing well, I see some of my friends regularly and keep in contact with the rest when I can and, as you can tell from the reccurance of his name, things are going well with my Durham man, Adam.
Relationships are funny things. I know this one is good for me. Great, in fact. I’m doing much better – I have no temper to speak of, and any random things which would have once upon a time scared or upset me seem to have little to no effect. We communicate brilliantly – he knew I was feeling emotional about my family this week, and happily cooed over baby photos of me when I shared some of my old albums with him. I even found out one of my ex partners is now engaged, and I didn’t even flinch. Now, I know what you’re thinking… flinch? A lot of girls do. I’m 24, and reaching that age where settling down is more than just a concept of endearment.
Oooh, it’s raining! Very, very… very heavily! I’m glad – it’s so hot in my flat tonight! Maybe it’ll drop the temperature a bit.
So, as I was saying, being an “insecure female of marrying age”, an ex’s engagement should trigger something. But I’m in no rush. I know I’m ready to “meet the one”. I went into my relationship with Adam not caring if he was my last “first date”. And that’s important – in my head I’ve been ready for this for years, but I know (and have done for some time) I wasn’t hand-on-heart ready to be “never single again”. Reaching that stage of life, for me, means a lot of changes. I’m immaculately tidy most of the time. I’ve taught myself crochet. I’m evaluating everything about myself in a steady, glorious self-help journey of understanding how to live with myself and best share that self with someone else.
I look back, ever fondly, on who I’ve been all this time. I’ve enjoyed the last 24 years, but I know it’s only the beginning. If I had one thing to say, to every ex parter I’ve ever had, from the most distant to the most recent, it would be this:
“I’m glad we met and gave it a go, I’m glad it was wonderful and terrible at the same time, and I’m glad we fell apart because I know we both learnt a lot, I’m not the same and neither are you, and everything we shared and didn’t share had brought me to here, now, and this happiness in everything I have.”
I hope they are all even half as happy as I am. Because that’s important. It should always be important.
And, if this has been a barrage of despair for any singletons out there, don’t lose faith! We only get one shot at life on Earth, and it’s something we each make our own. I’ve got here because I’ve worked at it, and so can you! So can anyone.
Belive in you, thats all it takes. If you are fully happy with who you are, that happy you will attract others who want to share your happiness too. And that’s how love is born.
Good luck, and God bless!